Trepidation
by Macx
Summary: movie-fic, sequel to Escalation. Sam needs some distance to deal with his thoughts and emotions after Soundwave's attack. And especially his fears. Part of the Imperfection Deviation 'verse


TITLE: Trepidation 1/1  
based on/sequel to Escalation  
SERIES: Imperfection Deviation  
AUTHOR: Macx  
RATING: PG-13  
DISCLAIMER: None of the characters belong to me, sadly. They are owned by people with a lot more money :)  
Author's Voice of Warning (aka Author's Note):  
English is not my first language; it's German. This is the best I can do. Any mistakes you find in here, collect them and you might win a prize The spell-checker said everything's okay, but you know how trustworthy those thingies are....  
FEEDBACK: Loved  
BETA: okami_myrrhibis

Coming home had been like running away. He had run from his duties, from his job, from his colleagues and friends, to hide within the normality of his parents' home. Sam Witwicky felt safe here; safe from the world, from what had happened, all the while knowing that the walls of the Witwicky home were hardly enough to really protect him.

But this was his home.

This was his family.

Watching his mother tending to her flowers, planting the new batch of summer bloomers, going on and on about the lady at the garden center… it was relaxing.

Judy Witwicky was well-known at the garden center, had helped out now and then, and the manager had even offered her a job should she want to put in full time. Back then she hadn't accepted. Lately she had put in more and more hours and Sam knew she would soon be there full time over summer when the rush of mad plant shoppers invaded the premises like locusts. She loved gardening and she loved the center.

Red, white and purple bloomers were planted in neat little beds and Sam smiled fondly as he remembered his mother's arguments for this color variation. His father, more of a lawn guy, had insisted that purple wasn't going to bloom in his yard. He had lost. He usually did.

Yes, watching his mother plant and garden was… relaxing. It was normalcy. Something that had gone out the window fast in the past years. Not just because of the giant alien robots. Not just because of the Allspark. Not because of the technopathy. Not because of the bond to Bumblebee. No, it was all together. He was important all of a sudden. Not just the great-grandchild of an eccentric lunatic who had spoken the truth in the end after all. Not just a guy who had tried to auction off his ancestor's glasses, that happened to contain coordinates to the Allspark's location.

He was Sam Witwicky, bonded to Bumblebee, technopath, part of the Autobot base.

And sometimes it scared him shitless.

Sam felt Bumblebee's presence, felt his quizzical touch, and he was tempted to lower the shields, but that was cowardice. The easy way out. Let Bumblebee soothe his frazzled nerves.

The Allspark had changed him, right down to his genetic make-up. Like Will Lennox he wasn't human any more. Like Lennox he was intimately connected to an alien mechanoid. Unlike Lennox it didn't show. And unlike Lennox he hadn't been physically changed. Soundwave hadn't been interested in Sam, he had been after Will. Sam suspected Lennox was even more scared than him, but the tough guy military act still worked.

::He's scared:: Bumblebee told him softly.

And damn his shields.

::Your emotional upheaval is strong. It's leaking::

Sam sighed. Story of his life.

::Sam:: Bumblebee admonished.

::I feel so helpless, Bee! Soundwave just… walked all over us and he nearly succeeded. If Will hadn't surprised Ravage…::

::I know. Luckily he didn't have all the information he needed.::

::Now he does::

The silent agreement scared him even more. What if Soundwave decided to try again? The Autobots and the military were on their toes now, so another attack would be more vicious. Maybe he would gather more Decepticons? Sam didn't want to think about facing Soundwave. He might be a technopath, but Soundwave's mind was a lot more controlled and schooled and stronger…

What if he became a target because Soundwave thought he might be a risk?

What if his family and friends were added to the hit list?

What if…?

"Honey?"

His mother's worried sounding voice interrupted his thoughts. He looked up and forced a smile, but she didn't look like she was buying it. Removing her soiled garden gloves, she sat down next to him on another deck chair.

"Sam?" she prompted, voice gentle and serious.

For all her sometimes a little overbearing and motherly nature, Judy Witwicky could be focused and empathic. Like right now.

"It's nothing. Just thinking," Sam answered.

"Very heavy thinking," she remarked. "Sam, as much as I appreciate your visit, I know something happened."

Sam's stomach cramped a little.

"If it's classified, so be it. But you wouldn't be here if it was, right?"

He nodded.

"And it weighs on you."

He twisted his hands a little.

"All I can offer is lemonade, cookies and an open ear, honey."

"I know, Mom. It's just… I don't know where to start…"

She smiled. "How about we go inside, sit down, and you just tell me whatever comes to mind? I could also ask Bumblebee, if you prefer that."

"No," Sam answered with a little grin.

Bumblebee radiated amusement. ::I like talking to your mother::

::Yeah, you two are real gossip girls::

It got him a chuckle. ::The best way to get to know a society is through gossip::

::That explains everything:: Sam muttered, amused.

Bumblebee was a spy and as a spy he had relied heavily on gossip and rumors before. He knew how to filter out the truth, and since humanity wasn't as evolved when it came to technology as the Cybertronians, entering the human internet had been easy. That the myriad of information was just as laced with rumors and lies was just another obstacle in finding a particular piece of news or fact.

Sam had a coffee, a large one, and Judy settled down with a mug of her own. Sam preferred his with a lot of sugar and a little milk.

"Honey?" she offered.

He hesitated a moment longer, then began to talk. About the mission to the _Ark_, which his parents had known little about. They had known Sam was at the Arctic base, working on something, but not that he had been in space. He talked about the sabotage, about finding traces of Decepticon presence on the moon, about the attack on Captain Bowman back on Earth, about Soundwave's infiltration of the military, about the kidnapping attempt on Lennox… just about everything that had happened.

Judy listened. A tight expression around her eyes told of her tension and she didn't drink her coffee until it was cold. Sam felt a little lighter after a while. Talking helped.

"I don't want to endanger you any more than you already are, but Soundwave is… he's dangerous. Maybe even more than Megatron ever was. He's cold and logical and he would know how to push my buttons. Like using my parents…"

"You don't know if he will come back. You're afraid of a possibility and it paralyzes you, honey. If you always let the fear take over, you can't go anywhere." Judy smiled a little wistfully. "I can relate. When you were a baby, I was so afraid you could get hurt, I became the super mom. I wouldn't let anyone touch you because I was afraid you'd catch something. I didn't want you crawling over the floor in case it was dirty. I scrubbed everything to the point your father threatened to move out."

Sam blinked. He hadn't known that.

"I learned to let go, to let things develop. Of course you got sick and scraped your knees and cried and were afraid. It's normal. I'm scared of what might happen to you, too, Sam. But I can't let the fear govern my life."

She took one of his hands and squeezed it gently.

"Life is filled with danger. That it might involve alien mechanoids and some very remote war was never on my mind, but now my son has a partner who is such an alien mechanoid. Sam, I love you and I want to protect you, just like you love us and want to protect us. It's impossible. We live with the knowledge that there is no such thing as total safety."

"I know," he said weakly. "And if I could change it all… be normal… I would try."

"But that's not who you are, Sam. It's not who you will be in the future." Judy gave him a reassuring smile. "No one can promise anything for the future. Maybe this Soundwave comes back. Maybe someone else will come. Maybe nothing will happen in the next fifty years. No one knows."

He nodded. No one knew.

Bumblebee hadn't said a word the whole time and while he was close, he wasn't trying to interfere.

Sam wished there was a way to protect what he loved. Tony had Hot Rod. Will had Ironhide. He had Bumblebee. Of course, it was no insurance against an attack and a possible abduction or death. His parents, like Mikaela, or so many others, had no one.

His mother drew him into a warm hug. "We'll be fine, honey."

He tried to believe it, but the threat of this ancient war finally hitting Earth, involving his family and friends as pawns, was in the back of his mind. He hoped Soundwave would take his time, wouldn't come here again for the next hundred years.

::He might never come:: Bumblebee spoke up.

Or he might be here tomorrow, a sinister part inside Sam whispered.

He shivered at that.

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Sam had dinner with his parents. His mother had insisted she cook instead of going out for dinner. Sam hadn't fought the idea, though his father had muttered about a good steak restaurant he had been wanting to try for ages, and it was either cholesterol, diet or whatever else Judy kept using as an excuse. Sam grinned at the mumblings.

He helped with the dishes, listening to his father's complaints about incompetent colleagues, brainless customers and the daily events at work. He spent time with Bumblebee after that. While his partner could be in mech form and crouching down inside the garage, Sam was just as happy with having Bumblebee in car mode and sitting on him or inside. Right now he was laying back on the hood, his back against the windscreen, feeling the soft hum of his friend through his t-shirt and jeans.

"It's natural to be scared," Bumblebee told him.

"They are my parents, Bee. They're targets and pawns to be used. Soundwave would, don't deny it."

"Yes, he would. Every Decepticon would. To us, every human is a pawn to be used. We protect the human race and while we can't protect every individual, we try to keep you all safe."

"You really think he's gone?"

"Soundwave is one of the most dangerous of Megatron's followers. His plan failed, but if he wants Will, he'll be back. He might not need Megatron to take over what's left of the Decepticons, but with Will he would have power."

"But Will's… not the Allspark."

"But he bears the runes and he might have the powers. He's still discovering new abilities."

Sam sighed. Like himself. But Sam might be a danger to Soundwave, so the threat was a lot more fatal than for Lennox.

::He'll have to go through me and everyone else at the base first before he can get you, Sam:: the Autobot promised.

It sounded corny. And sweet. And like Sam was a girl. Still, it calmed him, despite his logical mind telling him that Soundwave could get him easily. Bumblebee wasn't always around. Neither was Barricade. He silenced the nasty little voice.

"Let's hope I figure kinda low on Soundwave's radar," Sam finally said. "I'm human. I'm not a strong technopath."

"You are."

"Not helping, Bee," he groaned.

Bumblebee transformed in the confines of the garage and Sam slid unceremoniously down the hood to land on his butt on the garage floor.

"Hey!" he protested.

The mech leaned over him, blue optics intense. "You are strong, Samuel Witwicky. And you're a force to be reckoned with. I have no doubt in my mind that Soundwave could never just nab you. You know how to defend yourself. Barricade taught you."

Sam remained sitting on the floor, studying the smudges.

"If you imagine Soundwave to be unbeatable, he has already won. He isn't. He's a mech like me and Prime and Ironhide. He might function differently, but even the most logical mind isn't without fault."

"Maybe."

"You fought against Megatron," his partner reminded him, touching him gently. "You won."

"I was scared shitless."

"Fear helps you survive."

"And you guys helped. I wouldn't have been able to beat him. And the Allspark…"

Bumblebee silenced him. "It's what a team is for. It's what friends and partners are for. We can see this through. All of us. Together."

Together. Sam leaned into the touch, allowing himself a smile.

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They left a little while later, driving out of Tranquility and coming to stop at the overlook that had been his favorite spot… ages ago. Nothing had changed in the past couple of years and under the cover of darkness Bumblebee transformed. They sat side by side, Sam leaning against the warm metal of his partner, feeling the hum and occasional whirr from deep inside the mech.

"I wish we could take our war away from your world, Sam," Bumblebee broke the silence. "We can't. Our histories are now entwined."

"Some more than others," he said with a weak smile.

"Do you regret what happened?"

_Did he regret anything at all?_ Sam wondered.

He didn't regret getting to know the Autobots. He didn't regret his friendship with Bumblebee. He didn't regret losing Mikaela after the near-death situations had brought them together. He didn't regret becoming so deeply involved with the secrecy.

And he didn't regret his relationship with Bumblebee.

Sometimes the technopathy was a bother, but it wasn't bad any more. He had friends, he had help, he wasn't alone.

He did regret becoming a soldier, though. A part of him was horrified at what he had seen and he knew he would see more. The changes the Allspark had inflicted would take care of that. Dr. Keyron wasn't clear about how long Sam would really live, how much of Bumblebee's life he would share, but he had told Sam that he would grow a lot older than a normal human being. His genetic code and his whole molecular make-up had changed. He wasn't really aging like a human being any more.

He wasn't really human.

Sam sighed softly. He knew Bumblebee could feel what he was thinking and he was secretly relieved he didn't have to put it into so many words.

Bumblebee touched him softly. "I regret it, too. If I could turn back everything to what it was… I would."

"Not everything," Sam replied, smiling a little more. "Some stuff was… is… nice."

He tried not to think of the future. He tried not to imagine what it would be like if the Decepticons came in force; if he lived longer than what was natural; if he didn't die at all.

When Bumblebee's mind-presence flowed closer, he didn't even have to think about his reaction to the quizzical approach. He opened up and sighed with pleasure under the gentle caress.

Sex took his mind off matters for sure. Sex was good for the soul. Sex wasn't what he really had with Bumblebee, but it came pretty damn close and it was really, really good. His physical reaction was human, but the approach was decidedly alien.

Still, it helped.

The blue optics regarding him with such intensity and the sensation of Bumblebee so very close had Sam move restlessly. He felt hyper-sensitive and his body twitched as if to signal that sure, another round wouldn't be a problem.

The smile wasn't visible due to no lips, but Bumblebee did smile and it was devious.

Who would have ever known that mechs were as insatiable as humans could be? Sam mused before that thought was wiped away by the sensation of simply Bumblebee.

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Their return home was in the early morning hours. The house was dark and no one was waiting up. Sam snuck back into his old room – now a guest room – tired but pleasantly so. The dark thoughts were still there, but no longer so pressing.

Bumblebee had settled down outside, powering down all systems but those needed to keep an eye on matters. He was a sleepy presence that Sam didn't want to disturb. He just curled close in his mind and let his own body settle into rest.

For now the world could wait.

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Sam stayed another two days, just to soak up the normalcy. He had another talk with his parents, detailing his fears, and it felt good to have his mother hug him. You were never too old for that.

He spent an afternoon with his dad, fishing. It was better than golf, he decided, but less exciting than that. His father was trying to find a hobby for 'men his age' and it had had Sam burst out laughing. His father loved his garden, but apparently he wanted something else, too. So he looked.

Fishing wasn't really it.

He left in the evening, after a huge dinner, and his mother handed him weeks worth of leftovers for 'the boys'.

"Tell Will to eat more," she added with a smile.

"Okay."

"And if he wants to visit, he's always welcome."

"I think he knows that, Mom."

With the food in Bumblebee's trunk, they were on their way home after dark. Sam left driving to his friend.

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Within an hour after his morning coffee boost the next day, Sam had sought out Barricade. The black and white mech was looking down at the much smaller human technopath with a curious glint in his red optics.

"I want you to train me again," Sam stated firmly.

"In what way?"

"Whatever you didn't try yet. And the old stuff. I want to be able to defend myself."

Barricade rumbled softly. "Soundwave," he stated.

Sam clenched his teeth. "If he comes back… or when he comes back… I want to be as prepared as possible. I know there's more to train. Just… throw everything at me you have."

Barricade chuckled. It sounded terrifying. "You're strong, human. Very strong. All I can do is vary on the past training sessions. Nothing I can do would ever get close to mimicking what Soundwave might be able to do."

"I don't care."

Barricade went down on one knee, optic to eye with Sam. "No simulation can ever be reality, Sam," the former Decepticon stated.

"I know that!" Sam snapped, feeling his temper rise. "But I need to keep in shape and you're about the only one who doesn't hold back when training with me."

It got him a terrible grin. "I never would."

"Exactly. So?"

Barricade was silent for a long moment, then nodded. "Agreed. We will resume training, but you need new training partners for variation."

Sam snorted, then frowned. He had never asked Sideswipe and maybe, just maybe, it could be an alternative.

"Yeah," he muttered. "Thanks."

Barricade didn't reply to that, just rose and, after a long look again, left. Sam smiled a little.

It was a step forward to calm his mind.

One little step.


End file.
